Udder Fail...

I would just like to point out that every detail in this story is udderly true.



The face of death.

Soo, bet you've already guessed the topic of this story by now...

Yes, it is indeed a Cow Tale.

A few weeks ago my mom's garden was not doing so well, over the years she has learned through books and experience that cow manure is one the best fertilizers that there is for plants. Since we live near a large pasture with some cows in it, she asked if I would go and gather some dried "Fertilizer". Before we go any further, let me explain a little better the cows and their pasture to you. The cows themselves look peaceful enough at first glance, but further examination will tell you otherwise. Apparently mother cows are extremely protective of their young, and bulls are extremely protective of their herd. The pasture, you see, is only accessible by fence jumping on my side...

So, on the day of the event I had waken up early to help my mom in the yard. Upon examining some of the plants my mother determined that some were dying. She then informed me that I was to "Jump the fence and get some of the dried cow patty's, so we can spread it in the garden." When told that I very much wished NOT to jump the fence and  gather cow manure, she assured me that "Those cows are not going to hurt you, now hurry up go over there!" I waited awhile until I felt sure that they were on the other side of their field. And so armed with a plastic bag and a 4 inch shovel that was not intended for that use, I marched over to the fence. Now let me again pause a moment to tell you dear reader of this post, that this fence is practically covered by shrubs, trees, and vines. It would have been far too easy if it were cleared of these obstacles. So, finding a good place that was practically cleared of shrubbery and making sure once more that the cows were far off munching happily on their grass, I gathered my strength and hopped over the fence. Plastic bag and tiny shovel in hand. I then proceeded to try and find some "cow patty's" while my dear mother, conveniently on the other side of the fence, laughed hysterically. I soon became too occupied in my task to realize that the cows had noticed their intruder. As I was not-so-happily searching away the cow army, led by their leader (a large and terrifying bull), was advancing. By the time I looked up they were extremely near. With my bag not having a sufficient enough amount of manure, I was told not to worry about them and to continue in my task. But I couldn't, not with a army of four legged worriers advancing! I picked up my large white bag and began to walk calmly back to the fence (that was when I still had my dignity). When I did this they began to quicken their pace to a terrifying speed (what would a story about cows be without a high-speed chase?). Soon I began to run, the enemy fast approaching, trying to find the gap in the shrubbery through with I had came. Alas, dear reader, I could not find this gap. I threw the tiny shovel and bag on the ground and made a mad leap through the thicket and pulled myself over the fence. Safely on the other side I had not time to access mortal damage when I was reminded that I had left the bag and shovel on the other side. I got down on my hands and knees and reached my hand under the fence (I refused to go back into enemy territory). Slowly I pulled the bag and tiny shovel through the little hole. I had achieved my mission! In the end I had only a few scrapes and scratches and a bag of cow poop to show for my brave heroism, but I shall forever more remember that day as the day I laughed in the face of certain death!

Ps.

What do you call a cow with a missing leg?

Lean Beef!